90s Flashback: The Chastity Curse

Chastity, 10 Things I Hate About You

See that girl on the left up there? That’s Gabrielle Union. You might not know her name – I sure as hell didn’t – but you do know her. Don’t lie to me, I know you do, because it was practically written into the contract of every teen movie in the 90s to include her, and if you haven’t seen any of those then you’re probably not old enough to be on this site. If that’s the case for the love of god go away, there are internet laws about that kind of thing that your mum is desperate to jump all over. Learn how to clear your browser history while you’re at it. Now that scene above is from Ten Things I Hate About You, one of the best teen films ever made (don’t argue) in which she starred as bitchy Chastity – I watched that film over and over when I was younger because I was in love with Heath Ledger and it was hilarious, and it’s the reason why I can only think of her as ‘Chastity’. (It’s also why I’m so blown away by how different Joseph Gordon-Levitt looks now considering I would have sworn blind from this film that he was asian.) But you might know her from Bring It On, She’s All That or even that TV show Flashforward. What you should really think about her when you watch these films though is ‘damn, that girl was hot.. and CURSED’. Not just cursed for herself, but she actually curses those around her. Don’t believe me? Well, I watch enough lawyer shows at 4 in the morning to provide evidence. Bring back Boston Legal!

Clovers

BRING IT ON – We’ll start off with the not-so-bad. Gabrielle is sassy Isis, the main cheerleader from an apparently ghetto school which doesn’t actually look that bad, can afford some pretty snazzy uniforms and host a big cheerleading event early on in the film but fail at actually scraping together the cash to send them to regionals. God knows why right! So far, so slightly unconvincing yet so excellent, and Kirsten Dunst lives on to shake her pompoms in Spiderman’s face. But the rest of the cast have been resigned to a life of cancelled shows and B-movies. Eliza Dushku didn’t do too badly – she’s still hot, she had Tru Calling, Buffy and that Dollhouse thing which people pretend they saw even though they really just watched Buffy twice. Not too shabby! Big Red, or Valerie to some (me) from Sabrina, still puts up a fight to try to stay in the limelight – she was in some shitty recent romcom about ugly people batting above their average as another bitch, so evidently she got stuck in this role and never realised people actually didn’t give a shit about her, they just liked shouting ‘I’M STILL. BIG. RED’. The main tragedy here is Cliff. DUDE WAS HOT. Why didn’t he hit that red carpet as hard as he was supposedly hitting Torrance? But hey, they’re all still working, right (or at least the internet says so, in all honesty I was too upset with Cliff to care). Moving on..

Gabrielle Union, 10 Things

10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU – Before I start this, I’d just like to point out how hard it was to find a picture other than the one used at the top there of Chastity in 10 Things, and even then I had to use one where she’s not the main feature. She was one of the main people and no-one could ever be arsed to printscreen a picture of her face from it? That’s low. Mind you, neither could I at this time. Alright, so as we watch her play another teen bitch (see a pattern? excellent diversity in roles) I’m sure you think that I’m fishing a little with this film. After all, Julia Stiles? Yeah, she’s had some hits and is still pretty sweet in the film and theatre world. Joseph Gordon-Levitt? Basically the best actor around at the moment, in all the hottest movies and damn gorgeous. Heath Ledger? He was all about HOLLYWOOD, an amazing actor, and- oh wait. Yeah, that’s what happened. HEATH DIED. We all know that cancels out everything else. RIP Patrick Verona.

Gabrielle Union, She's All That

SHE’S ALL THAT – Popular bitchy teen role? Sounds new and exciting for Gabrielle, she’s on it! Freddie Prinze Junior and Rachael Leigh Cook were the stars here – now although Freddie these days looks like he’s been taking styling and smiling tips from the sex offenders register and does pretty much fuck all, he did marry Buffy. Props! Rachael Leigh Cook though.. what happened? She was cute, a major part here obviously, and now she spends her days doing voiceovers? Fair enough, Robot Chicken is brilliant but all the Final Fantasy is a little worrying.. someone took their character of a nerd too far. I almost salute Chastity on this one.

Gabrielle Union, Flashforward

FLASHFORWARD – Starring: John Cho – the Star Trek new Sulu. Joseph Fiennes – Billy Shakespeare, possibly in love. Gabrielle Union – CHASTITY. And so this show just got plain cancelled. At the end of one series. What the fuck Chastity? IT WAS GOOD.

Also, she was in some other film I unfortunately came across online once called ‘Deliver Us From Eva’ where it was basically another remake of Taming of The Shrew i.e. a shitty 10 Things I Hate About You, but it was so awful I couldn’t bring myself to google it for fear of bringing up repressed memories. To sum it up though, she basically played a major cockblocker and people pretended her boyfriend had died. A barrel of laughs it was not. Good luck in all you do Chastity. Just stop doing all those things because you have no good luck. Peace.

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